Man of Steel (NC)
(opens with Superman played by Rob Scallon singing a song called Superman is Batman with Doug Walker)(songs starts gentle and sad, and lyrics show below) Superman: I lost my parents in childhood, grew up a loner no one understood, and spent years brooding as an aimless drifter. But, through the inspiring words of my father, I'll become a symbol, an icon, a savior to restore hope to those who have none. Batman: (played by Doug Walker) Uh, you mean like Batman? (pause) (tempo becomes more upbeat) Superman: I traveled the world as a bearded outcast to discover who I am. Batman:'' Been there! Done that!'' Superman:'' My friends only speak to me in exposition and speeches of how important and unique I am.'' Batman:'' Been there! Done that!'' Superman:'' If you ask me my life story, I would tell it to you out of order and disjointed.'' Batman:'' Been there! Done that!'' Superman:'' I often have flashbacks out of nowhere about how important my destiny is.'' Batman:'' Been there! Done that!'' Superman:'' I wear a dark, tight costume...'' Batman:'' DIIIIIIIIIIITTO!'' Superman:'' ...with a long flowing cape too'' Batman: I think we shop at the same store. Superman:'' I have a wise father figure who isn't my father at all.'' Batman:'' Suck my balls.'' (points at Alfred) Superman:'' I'm Superman! I'm the freaking man of steel! No one can do what I can, I am the real deal I'm the most unique superhero that the world has ever seen'' Batman:'' Except for me!'' Superman:I'm mentally depressed and psychologically tortured Batman:'' Not special!'' Superman:'' I've stared into the vast empty void and have come out scarred yet responsibly stronger.'' Batman: Same. Superman:'' I reflect when I'm in my giant, dark, empty fortress.'' Batman: Sounds familiar. (points at Wayne manor) Superman:'' I try to save people, but under my protection, the civilian death toll has tripled.'' Batman: (standing in ruined Gotham) Oops. Superman:'' I'm an awkward nerd...'' Batman: No, you're not, you're an emo hunk every woman wants to sleep with. Superman: Okay, you're right about that. Batman:'' Ooooover here.'' Superman:'' I have a bland but independent girlfriend who I still have to save most of the time.'' Batman:'' You mean like mine?'' (points at Rachel played by Rachel Tietz) Listen up twerp, you can't be who I am You're a speedy pretty boy and I'm the FRIGGIN' BATMAN! The dark brooding loner is my thing, you see? And Zack Snyder sure ain't gonna take that from me! I am Batman! Better than the man of steel! You should know who I am, I'm the OG real deal I'm the most unique superhero that the world's ever seen! So don't steal my thing! Superman:'' No, I'm Superman!'' I'm the friggin' man of steel! Batman:'' BAAAAATMAAAAAAAN!'' Superman:'' I do whatever I can way more than the Batman will! To save the day, I'll do whatever I can! I've even KILLED A MAN!'' (picture of new General Zod) Batman: Whoa, whoa, whoa, JESUS, GUY! Superman: What? He was gonna-he was gonna kill some random people I didn't know! Batman: Dude, I didn't even kill the insane clown who murdered my girlfriend! Superman: Oh... Batman: (points at Superman) You're sick. Superman: No! I'M SUPERMAN! Advertiser: (played by Malcolm Ray) Coming Summer 2015 (both Batman and Superman pose), The Batman Superman Movie; Two of the Most Polar Opposite Superheroes Coming Together at Last! (Batman and Superman realize just how wrong that tagline is) Superman/Batman: Oh, fuck you, Zack Snyder! (both walk off screen) (Finally, we get the NC opening) (NC enters the room, while random comments from people who loved or hated Man of Steel float across the screen, such as "MAN of Steel is the BEST MOVIE EVAH!", "Man of Steel was the Worst Movie Ever Made!", "This movie rocked the shit out of my nads!!!!!!!", "This movie has RUINED Superman!", etc.) (Superman music plays as NC walks towards his desk) Jor-el: They can be a great people they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason above all, their capacity for good, I have sent them you, my only son. (NC sits down at his desk, straightens out his jacket, and the music ends) NC: MAN OF STEEL SUCKS! (cuts to Angry Joe) Joe: Man of Steel is freaking awesome, and you know it! NC: Yeah, maybe for blood-hungry psychopaths, but for those of us who love an American icon, it's bullshit!! Joe: This is a new kind of Superman, Critic. He's obviously not the one we grew up with. NC: Yeah, that one made sense! Joe: What, time-traveling? Flying around the world? NC: (pause) MOSTLY made sense. Joe: You just can't accept the fact that this is something new, and while we all know that the first two films are legendary, it's time for a different way of looking at the story that's been told a thousand times the same way. NC: Okay, look, I'm sick to death of that bullshit arguement, so I'll tell you what: I am willing to look at this in a new light, because, hey, we should be willing to accept things from a new point of view. I will still try my best to accept this as its own unique thing, without drawing any references from the original movies. Deal? Angry Joe: Deal. NC: But you have to acknowledge that when a moment sucks, it fucking sucks, no matter how much testosterone-filled bullshit is in it! Joe: I make no promises. NC: Joe! Angry Joe: Alright, fine! NC: (sigh) Well, let's look at the movie that has the internet totally split down the middle. This is either the absolutely loved or absolutely hated Man of Steel. NC: (vo) We start off with the birth of our hero on the planet "every scifi movie ever made" (Krypton), and seeing how this is a Zack Snyder film, everything obviously looks like H.R.Giger's hand-me-downs or penises. (scene of penis-shaped pods being sent into space) LOOK AT THESE THINGS! Tell me that doesn't look like "The Little Mermaid" poster! (shows the controversal Little Mermaid poster with the penis-shaped tower in Atlantica) Angry Joe: I actually quite like the new Krypton look. (vo) Scifi, medieval mesh, interesting wildlife, but I suppose the floating robots do look a bit like the hairdo in "The Last Airbender". (quick snippet of Princess Yue's hair) NC: Ohnonono, we have interpretations of THAT in barbed wire, (vo) as our high council is wearing what I assume is Kryptons version of mini roller coasters. (photoshoped roller coaster rides down one of the high council members headdresses) High Council Member: You're not seriously suggesting that we evacuate the entire planet? Jor-El: No. Everbody here is already dead. NC: (vo) A lot of you know the drill here: Superman's father, Jor-El, played by Russel Crowe, is trying to convince the higher-ups that the planet Krypton is about to explode and nobody believes him. But hell, the entire world blowing up isn't exciting enough. Let's throw in a hostile takeover while we're at it too. (Krypton guards are attacked by unknown forces) (revealed to be General Zod and his troops) NC: (vo) This particular hostile takeover is lead by General Zod, played by Michael "Why does everbody say I lisp like Willem Dafoe?" Shannon. Zod: These lawmakers with their endless debates have led Krypton to ruin! Help me save our race. The degenerative bloodlines that led us to this state. Jor-El: And who will decide which bloodline survives, Zod? You? NC (vo): (as Zod) I humbly accept your nomination. Zod: Don't do this, El. NC (vo): So, seeing how Zod's fought off this world's equivalent of White House security so easily, it only makes sense that Jor-El should be able to fight off Zod's army that broke through this world's White House security so easily. NC: (unsure) I think. NC (vo): He rides on his dragonfly...dragon, picks up yet another subplot--because Lord knows we don't have enough of those going on in this opening, and plans to put it in a spacepod sending his son to Earth, who'll be the only survivor. (Jor-El strokes his son's head) Jor-El: Goodbye, my son. NC (vo): Aw shoot, now we gotta have that pesky emotion. Come on, guys, this is a Christopher Nolan story. You can throw more subplots. At least strap that baby to a bomb or something. (The cradle containing the baby is lifted up into a pod) He rises from the dentists chair and is sent out towards Earth, just as Zod's forces arrive. Zod: Concentrate fire on the main door! NC (vo): (as one of Zod's soldiers) Yes, person who clearly has no microphone attached to his mouth. Zod: What have you done? Jor-El: We've had a child, Zod. Zod: Heresy! Destroy it! NC: He stuff a bag of marshmallows in his mouth before talking? Zod: Heresy! Destroy it! NC: (imitating Zod) Hereshy! Reshtoy hmm! (and mimicks marshmallows in his mouth) NC (vo): Actually, the funny thing about Michael Shannon's performance is how he manages to be over-the-top extreme and...under-the-bottom restrained. It's kinda like watching Jerry Lewis act. NC: He may start off low and appear not to be very interested. (vo) But then, in a millisecond, he can change into (suddenly shouting) wa-hey with the screaming and the yelling and the nice lady! Joe: Oh, shut up! He did great! Michael Shannon is a damn good actor. (vo) He was portraying a bitter, single-minded man who has nothing to lose (normal) as he's pushed to the breaking point. NC: Yeah, but does his breaking point have to sound like a bulldog? Zod: You won't kill us yourself! (a bulldog is shown on the left barking as Zod talks) You wouldn't dirty your hands, but you would send us into a black hole for eternity! Joe: Yeah, well at least he doesn't sound like a screaming goat when he yells. NC: Hey! I do not--(Joe counters with a clip of the screaming goat) Hey! (goat!) Heeeyy!! (goooat!) Bearded asshole. (Joe giggles) NC (vo): But Zod gets the best of him just before security gets the best of Zod. This calls for Hans Zimmer bwowm! (Said bwowm is played) Is anyone else sick of that sound yet? I swear, if Hans Zimmer did the music to "You're A Good Man, Charlie Brown," it'd be (picture of it is shown) "You're A Good Man, Charlie Bwowm." (BWOMB) So Zod is sentenced to imprisonment in the Phantom Zone. Zod: You believe your son is safe? I will find him. NC (vo): Sorry, didn't quite catch that. Zod: I will find him. NC (vo): No, still didn't get it. Zod: I will find him. NC (vo): Mm, still not coming through. Tell you what, say it as loud and ridiculously hammy as your cartonnishly large eyes and mouth will allow. Zod: I WILL FIND HIM!! NC (vo): Now I hear you. No you won't. Bye! (The penis-shaped pods launch off into the Phantom Zone, bringing up the Little Mermaid box art) I swear to God! Look at it! Look at it! So they wait for the inevitable as it's the end of the world as they know it, and everyone feels blandly fine. (Lara Lor-Van steps out to watch the end of the world as two pods fly next to her) Pod: Lady Lara, shouldn't you find refuge? NC (vo): (as Lara) What? I can't hear you over the incredibly quiet destruction of the world! Lara: There is no refuge, Kiro. (A pillar of fire sweeps over Lara before cutting to Krypton exploding. The pod containing Kal-El flies through space) NC (vo): So Kal-El travels to the planet known as Earth where he lands...(cut to a ship out in the ocean) on an episode of Deadliest Catch. Okay, we may have skipped forward a touch, but at least we now have time to give Clark, played by Henry Cavill, some proper development for his character. (a burning oil rig is seen in the distance) Or just blow shit up again. Because the past twenty minutes clearly haven't shown enough of that. (A steel door is ripped off by Clark who's covered in fire, wearing only a pair of pants) NC (vo): I am Leonidas-Wolverine-Brawny Man! Follow my non-flammable pecs to freedom! (Clark's now in the water, flashing back to his childhood) Teacher: When Kansas became a territory-- NC (vo): Oh, we're in THIS kind of story. Joe: What kind of story? NC: The out of order story that got critical acclaim with Memento so Nolan's been trying to use it with every film he's been attached to? NC (vo): He's a boy, he's a man, he's a teenager, he's a boy again, he's a man. And it wouldn't be so bad if he would at least talk about what he's going through, but he never does. Joe: Wait, aren't you the one saying that Nolan films have too much dialogue already? NC: Well kind of...sorta...maybe... It depends on how you use it. If it's needed, use it. If it's not, don't. Joe: Well you actually don't need it here. (vo): Scenes like Clark as a boy getting used to his powers are already emotional scenes. (normal) You don't have to explain NC: Now that's true. NC (vo): Scenes like this are good on their own, but we're getting background on a guy whose personality we're never given time to know. Look at this. We have a flashback to his childhood, then we cut back to present time. Then literally one minute later we get another flashback to his childhood. Welcome back! Missed ya! They never give any time to understand this guy! I've gotten to know the personality of my minute rice more than I have this person. Joe: So what's wrong with that? Lots of us constantly get flashbacks out of nowhere about their troubling childhood. (Joe suddenly shivers and creepy piano music plays) NC: Joe? Joe: What's that, papa? No, I don't wanna wear the big lobster costume! Why do you make me wear that anyways? (NC's quite confused) No, papa, no! Not the nipple tasers, please! NC: I think the less I know about this, the better. (and he pulls the next scene over) NC (vo): So after countless moments of intense scenes and harsh action, what is this flashback gonna show? (The school bus pops a tire and goes over the bridge) Some intense scenes and harsh action. Wow, this film's running the gamut of all two things that can be done with a movie. (The bus comes up from the water) NC (vo): So young Clark saves the bus of kids which leads to the dismay of his father, John Kent, played by that-voicebox-that-sounds-like-Kevin-Costner. Or maybe it's just Kevin Costner, they're pretty easy to mix up. John Kent: We've talked about this. You have... Well Clark, you have to keep this side of yourself a secret. NC (vo): And this of course gives way to one of the most controversial parts of the movie; John Kent saying he should've let the kids on the bus die. Clark: What was I supposed to do? Just let 'em die? John: .......Maybe. NC: Yeah, what'd you got to say about that, Joe? (creepy music comes back on) Joe? Joe: No, papa! Not the nitroglycerine! NC: Joe! Joe: Oh! Sorry. NC: The scene where John Kent says "drown the bastards." Joe: Hey, hey. He doesn't say "let them die." He says "MAYBE let them die." NC: That's much better? Joe: Well it's his way of saying he doesn't know, and that's what's so great about it, because it mimics real life far more than previous Superman films. It shows that people don't always have the answers. Joe (vo): All he knows is that he doesn't want his son to be discovered and hurt. But he never says "let them die." Joe: He says he doesn't know. NC: Okay, fine. Tough confusing world. Why can't Superman's father talk to him like a father? Joe: What do you mean? He's the one that builds him up. NC: And that's it. Every line in this movie is just talking about what a messiah he is. John: You were sent here for a reason./When the world finds out what you can do, it's gonna change everything./Not just anyone, Clark./You're the answer to "are we alone in the universe?"/Stand proud in front of the human race. NC (vo): He's less of a tough father and more like a stereotypical Jewish mother. (We now to Rachel playing said mother on the phone) Mom: Oh, you gotta see my son. When the world finds out what he can do, it's gonna change everything. He was sent here for a reason. He's the answer to "are we alone in the universe?" (Turns out she's talking to a 911 operator voiced by Rob Walker) Operator: Ma'am, 911 is for emergencies only. Mom: Oh sooorry! I coulda had a busload of drowned kids, but my son saved them, too! But don't worry, I punished him properly for that. Operator: Ma'am, never pick up the phone again. Mom: Why does everyone keep telling me that? Joe: Come on! Those are some strong well-written words. NC: It's every boring destiny monologue we've heard before. Joe: Oh yeah? Prove it. (NC points off screen) (clips from movies and shows play,'' all showing the same destiny monologue used over and over'') (Man of Steel) John Kent: People are afraid of what they don't understand. (Batman Begins) Carmine Falcone: You always fear what you don't understand. (Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2) Kim Diamond: People fear what they don't understand. (X-Men the Animated Show) Storm: People fear what they do not understand. (The Elephant Man) John Merrick: People are frightened by what they don't understand. (cut back to NC) (waves his hand to Joe, waiting for his defense) Joe: ... H-He said it differently though... (John pulls the cover off of Clark's pod) John: We found you in this. This was in the chamber with you. (Clark is holding onto a strange object) I took it to a metallurgist at Kansas State. He said whatever it's made from didn't exist on the periodic table, which is another way of saying it's not from this world, Clark. NC (vo): (as John) They surprisingly asked no questions and let me take my miracle stone home without ever calling anybody. See, they knew how to keep a secret. (normal) And it turns out years later, Clark does a good job carrying that secret, like when a bully inflicts no physical harm on him whatsoever, so he crucifies his truck, causing god knows how much money in damages. But at least he didn't...save...anybody? So, seeing how we're watching Clark go on this long journey, are we finally gonna get some idea of what his personality's like--yeah, you know the answer to this. Hello, other characters and sub-plots, one of them being Lois Lane, played by Amy Adams doing a report on some sort of disturbance-- Joe: Oh hell no, you can not badmouth Lois Lane! She's a stronger character, a more confident one. She's a risk taker. She doesn't have time for the military's pissing contest! She actually does something in this film, and she's not always screaming for someone to save her. NC: Yeah, that is until she's hit by the Nolan Ray. Joe: The what? NC: The Nolan Ray. You see, I have no doubt that Zack Snyder started off having Lois as an intersting, funny, opinionated character because at first, she does seem that way. Lois: Yeah, if we're done measuring dicks, can you have your people show me what you found? NC: (taking out a raygun) But then she's zapped by the Nolan Ray and suddenly every line of dialogue is emphasizing the weight of how important the movie you're watching is. Remember when his father was balling him out like a real father? John: Right? We talked about this, you have to-- NC: Boom! (he shoots the scene) Nolan Ray! John: You're the answer to "are we alone in the universe?" NC: Remember how Lois Lane was feisty and took no nonsense from anybody? Lois: Well what can I say? I get writer's block if I'm not wearing a flak jacket. NC: Boom! (he shoots the scene) Nolan Ray! Lois: (narrating) The questions raised by my rescuer's existence are frightening to contemplate. NC: Even Perry White, played by Laurence Fishburne. He starts off in-your-face screaming about stories and deadlines. Perry: You let Woodburn just shotgun it all over the internet. Well let's make it three weeks since you're so willing to agree with me. NC: Oh that's way too interesting. Little bit of the Nolan Ray will fix that! (zap!) Perry: Can you imagine how people on this planet will react if they knew there was someone like this out there? NC: (Reading the caption) The Nolan Ray. Because Whatever Important Issue You're Talking About...IT COULD ALWAYS BE MORE IMPORTANT. Joe: Critic, you know sometimes life is like that. Life can be tough. Life can be cruel. Life can throw lobster costumes and nipple tasers into your reality? NC: Am I ever gonna know the story to that? Joe: The less you know, the better. NC (vo): So Lois follows a certain laser eyeing someone into the ice where she discovers a spaceship. A spaceship that apparently saw her performance in Julie & Julia. (A pod smacks her into the wall with a tentacle. Clark destroys the pod with his bare hands) But Clark is there to take down the machine, heal her wounds, and...apparently leave her for dead. When she observes that Clark has taken the spaceship away, she tries to write a report on it, only to find her boss won't run it. So she lets it leak to the internet. Lois: My editor won't print it, but if it happened to leak online... Woodburn: Wait. Didn't you once describe my site as a "creeping cancer of falsehoods?" Joe: Hey look, it's TMZ. NC: Hehe, that was a good one. Joe: Hehe. They're the scum of the earth. NC (vo): So Clark loads the Exposition Program and, through some pretty awesome effects, a computer with what's left of Jor-El explains Krypton's history. Jor-El: I'm your father, Kal-El. Clark: That's my name. (AND I'M JAVERT!) Jor-El: Our race spread out through the stars. The scout ship was one of thousands launched into the void. NC (vo): (as Jor-El) We sent thousands of scout ships, yet our back-up plan in case the world blows up was a little baby sized pod. You can see why we didn't last very long. Jor-El: Artificial population control was established. NC (vo): So it's explained that Clark is Krypton's first natural birth in centuries. Not exactly sure how they control that, whether everyone just kept to the honor system or they genetically altered babies to be born with chastity belts, but regardless, Clark has apparently broken the chain, and he now knows it's his job to do what he can for all mankind. (Clark is now Superman, making high jumps) NC (vo): So he practices flying around the mountainside while the cameraman practices keeping his finger off the goddamn zoom button. (clips of zoom ins are hown) Yeah, you may notice very quickly there's a lot of this in this movie. For no reason at all, whenever there's fast-paced motion, the camera has to zoom in on it like a monkey with a fucking camcorder. How do you think the cinematographer came upon that ingenious move? (Cut to Malcolm in front of a camera while his daughter (Rachel plays with the zoom button) Daughter: Whee! Malcolm: No, come on, honey. Give daddy the camera. Daughter: In, out, in! Malcolm: No, I have to show Mr. Snyder my test footage for Man of Steel tomorrow! No, please, come on, honey. Give it back! Not the self-destruct button! Put that down! The microphone doesn't twist! Daughter: You look weird! (We cut to Zack Snyder (played by Brandon Bledsoe) and Malcolm who's embarrassed) Malcolm: I can explain... Zack: I love this! Malcolm: I knew you would!